I am usually pretty bad about being in the middle of a really good book and thinking, "Gosh, I should blog about some of this". Tonight is no different but I didn't want it to stop me and I don't intend on reading from the beginning anytime soon.

I have been reading Boundaries in Marriage by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. There are other great books that are about boundaries written by these same authors so you might want to check out others.

Tonight I read about controlling your spouse.  And I don't mean the common things you think about like deciding where they go or who they talk to.  This is in ways you may be controlling him/her right now and not know it.

• Guilt-"If you really loved me" or "How could you be so selfish?"
• Anger-"Anger is our basic protest against the fact that we are not God and that we cannot control reality".
• Persistent Assaults on Your Spouse's Boundaries-The spouse will say a clear "No" and you will try and try to convince them or change their mind
• Withholding Love-"Of all the ways we attempt to control, withholding love may be the most powerful".

Gotta have the positive with the negative so what can I do to change me? Remember, setting up boundaries is a way to change you; not your spouse."The spouse who truly loves his mate and wants her to grow will, at some point, desire to give up these attempts to control".

Realize the Cost of Other-Control: "The cost of other-control is that you may get external compliance, but lose your spouse's heart". PLEASE READ THAT AGAIN!

1. Ask Your Spouse to Let You Know How Your Control Affects Him: "Often, when the controlled spouse lets the controlling spouse know how hurtful  and distant the attempts make him, the controlling spouse feels compassion for the pain and is able to better set limits on the control".
2. Experience Your Own Helplessness to Change Your Spouse: What? You must come to realize that you really can't make your spouse do anything.  Even if it is making the right choice.  Once you realize how helpless you are you may then experience hurt, but then reality can set in and you can go from there.
3. Learn to Grieve: "When you allow your spouse freedom, you will often feel loss and sadness about losing what you desired from him...This will help you find new ways to adapt to your marriage".

1. Work Through Dependency Issues: Depending just on your spouse may cause you to want to control them. You should not be looking to him/her for approval or acceptance. Find friends, family, or church members to help feel some healthy needs.
2. Be a Separate Person With Your Spouse: Sometime you can find yourself defining yourself  through your spouse.  This can be bad in many ways but for control, if the spouse disagrees with you you can take it as he hates you and you will lash back.  Learn to make safe boundaries.
3. Value Your Spouse's Freedom as You Want Your Freedom Valued: Matthew 7:12  

If anyone of these hit home or you have asked your spouse to share with you an area that needs works, pray together asking God to help you grow.  He wants the best for your marriage and will not leave you where you are.  If you ask for wisdom, it will be given James 1:5. Don't be defensive when you ask your spouse to bring up when you are falling back.  If you have a spouse struggling in this area...love them through it.  Pray that God will lay it on their heart to see the control.  You cannot change them but you can change how you react.