My first week.

My first week in my new job. Someone said, "Okay, it has been a week. How has it been"?

I was telling her, "Not even like I had planned". I visioned a spotless house and time to watch TV or sew, scrap or knit ( which by the way I am having DTs with because I loaned ALL my needles out).

After I got off the phone I was thinking about how I was just 5-6 years ago. If I can learn anything about patience it would be how God has been so super patient with me. There is no way He would have put me where I am today straight from where I was 5-6 years ago. It would never work.

I used to have panick attacks in the middle of a drill weekend. I went to a doctor who talked to me about being obsessive compulsive with anger issues...not a good mix. I seriously did not know I was OCD. When I talked to some of my soldiers after my meeting with the crazy doctor, they laughed because they were shocked that I didn't know. They told me stories about how I organized everything on my desk 10 times just in the morning and how nervous I was when someone walked by and just set something on my desk. I laughed because I realized they were right.

I am much better now than I was and I can now see how God patiently and lovingly brought me along with such baby steps. Many of those years He walked me through and I didn't even acknowledge He existed. God was definitely not a part of my life. If you get the opportunity to see Fireproof, there is a scene where the character also realizes what awful things he had done to God. Which is worse? The men who flogged Jesus with the metal hooks or me when God was there for me over and over and I never cared.

No one will ever be able to convince me of what a great Father I serve. Five or six years ago I would have freaked at my house, quitting my job and having no "idenity".

God has fought with this stubborn heart and I am so grateful that He won. I was reminded this morning that there are battles in our life that are impossible to win. Things we fight over and over and we will always lose. God is the ONLY one who can win.

I don't have the control that I want and man is that a relief. The One who has all control (if we will let Him) knows all, sees all and loves me. Can it be anymore perfect?
-C-